Killing myself, I now turn the page...

In this book of life,
I've laughed and cried,
When every cherished dream
Has broken and died,

Now teary eyes have turned sore to dry,
The desert of my heart
Will no more cry...
The rose you planted will be thirsty no more,
It will learn how to live,
Without the waters of your shore...

Disillusionment is pain and agony,
Let it be,
And if what is there, is what I see,
So it be...

I now open my plam, and close my eyes,
And feel the slipping away of my dearest ties
A pain in the heart rises and cries ~
"Nothing now, nothing no more
I am now closing my door...
Let everything go and nothing remain,
Of my warm sunshine, my monsoon rain,
No more dreams to see, no cherishing of any memory,
Nothing to feel, nothing to gain
Attachment is the mother of pain...
Let the cold winds engulf my soul,
Let there be another brick in the wall...."

I have lived and can live alone,
The chapter has ended, but the book will go on...
We all live to die on this world's stage,
So killing myself, I now turn the page......

Towards me, or away from me...?

Is this train coming towards me or going away from me....??? Standing on a bridge, I had taken this picture, sometime in the past. I was so much absorbed in it then...There was so much mystery and magic in that moment of the early morning. I was standing on that bridge and looking at the moving train with sun rising from behind it. I was still and the train was moving...There was such warmth in that morning sun...such beauty in the morning sky ~ painted with the purity and freshness of blue and pink... there was this humming sound of the train in the air...rhythmic and hypnotic......Today~ the sun has set, the bridge is lost and the train has gone...but that rhythm is still echoing in my head....That warmth of the sun still pours starlight into my eyes...why can i not shut my ears to that rhythm...why cant I not remove that light from my eyes.....???

That bridge ~that missing link between my past and my now... The point in space where I had forgotten which side I was coming from and didnt care about which side where I was going...I was just standing on that bridge, without a care in the world. That bridge where I had stood is witness to all those moments in which I lived a hundred lives...of my "then" which my "now" can never have...

Looking at that picture now , I cant remember what was happening then....Was the train coming towards me or going away from me...? But why am I so bothered about it..? Why cant I just let it be...? Why is it so important to me....?

Whatever was happening then ~ right now all I have this picture, where the train is standing still....The time that was, has frozen...become cold....The moment is captured and dead... but yes, its ghost remains ~ To haunt me forever ~ If only I can know for sure ~ Was the train coming towards me or going away from me..???

I need a breath...

Darkness all around...
My hands groping in vain,
To find something which I knew before
To give some air to my dying soul...

Feeling suffocated, I struggle with myself,
Not to reach for the ventilator by my side

Oh my ventilator, I love it so much
For it gives me my air to live…
But I cant touch it ~ Its not mine…

A desperate cry screams in my inside ~
"I want to breath before I die…"
But my ventilator's not mine...
And oh..I need a breath…

Nothing is lost...

Was'nt this the same time some year in the past when all I was longing for, was the basic things in life which I had always taken for granted and were no longer with me then ? ~ mom's voice waking me up in the morning while I drag the bedsheet above my head to sleep a little more, my dad's warmth making this world a better place to live in, my sister faking anger at my teasing her, my close friends with whom I had shared my best and the worst moments...

I had left behind everything I had and everyone I knew, to the winds of destiny ~ which had taken me to a place from where I could neither see nor touch the place which defined the beat of my life, the people who defined who I was.

Leaving behind everyone I didnt know how my freedom also got left behind somewhere ~ freedom of expression, freedom of discretion, freedom of movement, freedom of thinking, freedom to be as I am, to be as I was... "The best thing in the world is freedom ~ freedom to say 'no' " I had read somewhere. I couldnt have agreed on this more. But in those days I discovered a couple of other best things of the world too. Things ~ which none can do without....things ~ which if gone from the life, would make life lifeless. Through self experience I discovered the best things in the world are freedom, love and hope. The freedom to be as you are, the freedom to become what you want to be. Love to give selflessly and receive unconditionally. And hope to keep you dreaming and moving on, and working for a better tomorrow. Without freedom, love and hope you cant go too far...

My loss in those days was complete and had covered all of these three things. Its been a couple of years since then, and going through the peaks and valleys of life I have lived many moments and died many too...But none of the lowest moments of these years have pulled me down to the pits of hoplessness and the feeling of 'having lost all' which I had reached in those days.

I'm thankful to the almighty who took care of me then, to the large oak tree in the garden who listened to my woes then, to the stars of that who gave me company and solace to my forlorn soul then. And to this life who gave me a chance to spring back again. Wherever I am feeling low and lonely and dejected, I remind myself of those days, and the state I was in then, the things and the people I had lost, which by a benevolant twist of destiny I have regained today. And no matter how much low I am feeling, my spirits are lifted. Its like, I had died and was then reborn, and nothing else that happens to me now can be as bad as that death.

Looking at the beauty of the September sky today ~ the coloured clouds and the mellowing foliage, I deeply inhale the light cool breeze, and say to myself ~ "Nothing is lost, I am free, to love, to hope, to dream and to be..."

An excerpt from "Shataram" by Gregory David Roberts:

"Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope.

Sometimes we cry with everything but tears.

In the end that's all there is : love and its duty, sorrow and its truth.

In the end thats all we have ~ to hold on tight until the dawn..."

To hold on tight ~ in all those moments of disillusionments, disappointments and weakness of the soul...to hold on tight until the first rays of sun come flying on the wings of the morning breeze and wash away all the hurt and pain........

~A Prayer On Samvatsari ~

Today is Samvatsari ~ actually a Jain festival, but I feel it can be considered a festival of the whole humanity. What else can you call a festival the essence of which is asking for forgiveness from everyone to whom you have done any wrong knowingly or unknowingly, and in turn forgiving everyone who has done any wrong to you?

How cleased a person's soul would feel when all the negativities harbored in it is washed away by a stream of free flowing forgiveness!

How free the soul would feel after breaking free from the grudges that it has been carrying since long !

How pious a person can become and feel after genuinely and humbly asking for forgiveness for what ever hurt or pain one has caused to anyone!

But again, like all good things ~ to forgive and to ask for forgiveness are tasks easier said than done. Too much pride and ego inherent in all human beings would make both the tasks difficult.
But what is more difficult ~ To humbly ask for forgiveness or to forgive genuinly? I was analysing myself and I found that, for me it is more difficult to forgive someone truly than to ask for forgiveness. If I've have hurt someone, if I've done some wrong to someone, I can curb my ego, repent for the wrong I've done and ask for forgiveness from the person. But if I've been wronged, betrayed, insulted, hurt or pained by someone, it is very difficult for me to forgive the person effortlessly.

But if I am able to forgive someone had hurt me, how can expect that I would be forgiven for the hurts that I have knowingly or unknowingly inflicted upon someone?

If I am not able to forgive anyone who has done something wrong, why should I expect that God is going to forgive me for the wrongs that I have done in this life and in the past lives?

Today, on this pious day of Samvatsari, I pray to lord to forgive me for all the wrongs that I have done to any living being in my this life and the past lives. I pray to God to give me the strength and the wisdom to humbly ask for forgiveness for any wrong that I might have done to any living being ~ intentionally or unintentionally, and to forgive from the bottom of my heart everyone who has hurt me and caused me pain in any way.

I pray to lord that my heart and soul is rid of all the bitterness and grugdes against anyone and everyone and I'm engulfed by His everlasting peace and joy.

Amen.

Tell me your dreams...

I was just thinking ~ What can be considered as the most personal thing to ask to someone?? Is it something of their past like the times they have fallen in love, the affairs they've had, the people they've cheated on, the number of people they've had sex with, the number of times they've flunked in school or college, their most embarrasing moments, their most happiest moments, the times they have lied or had been dishonest, etc.etc..or, something of their present ~ like the relationship that they share with their partners, how are they planning their career or investments etc, etc?

According to me, none of the above. I would say that the most personal thing that can be asked to someone is about their dreams, their deepest desires, their most true wishes for themselves. If you tell someone your deepest desire, your dreams, you become vulnerable, sans gaurd, open to hurt and manipulation. This is not the danger when you tell the guarded things of your past or present to someone.

If you have seen "Bachna ae hasinon" you would know what I mean. Mahi (Minisha Lamba), a dreamy eyed romantic girl is in love with the character of "Raj" in "DDLJ". A flirt, opportunist guy (Ranvir Kapoor) comes to know about this. To fulfil his desire of flirting with Mahi he creates made-up situations like DDLJ and pretends to be the real life avtar of the reel life " Raj". And ~ succeds in taking advantage of the unsuspecting girl, who keeps brimming with joy with the thought that her dream has come true, and she has finally found her "Raj" ! As the movie unfolds, Mahi comes to know what was done to her and ends up getting bitterly hurt.

If this guy did not know about Mahi's deepest desire, he could never have had a chance with her and Mahi would have been saved from the hurt that followed.

Your desire is not only your strength, your reason to move on and fight, but is also in some ways your weakness as it can be used as a bait to trap you. And the fuanny thing is that you would be going in the trap willingly !

What happens in a casting couch is something similar. You are manipulated because your dreams are known and so is your desire to fulfill . But the casting couch is still comparatively better . At least both the parties involved know without any pretense that they are giving something to get something. At least you are not robbed without your knowledge .

But when you talk about your desires and your dreams to someone who you think as a friend or an acquaintance, you would not even realize when he or she will start manipulating the situation and you with the knowledge about your desires.

More than what we were or are, we are ~ what we want to be...

Give it a thought....

À Mon Dieu...

Je ne vais vous demande
Pourquoi ça
Je ne vais vous demande
Pourquoi moi...

Je veux, mais je ne vous croirai pas
Je n'esperai de vous
N'importe pas quoi...

Si vous veux ça ~
Être comme ça
Être comme ça
Être comme ça...

For, whatever you do ~

Why are matters of affection beyond our control...? Why are we pulled towards someone without our control like a leaf in a storm....? Why at times it is so difficult to let go of something which is causing you pain.......i guess the reason is because at some point of time you have seen yourself feel and live an immense joy coming from the same source, which is causing pain today...

Only what can make your heart fly like a butterfly and sing in joy is the thing which can also hurt so bad that your heart bleeds .....

And the heart ~ mad as it is, cannot forget the joy with which it had flown and the intensity of love it had felt and keeps holding on to what was and is and keeps hoping that it will always be...

Here's a beautiful song by Shirley Basse in her beautiful velvet, silken voice ~ the lyrics aptly describing the situation....

I'd like to run away from you ,
But if you never found me I would die
I'd like to break the chains you put around me,
But I know I never will

You stay away and all I do ~ is wonder why the hell I wait for you
But when did common sense prevail for lovers when we know it never will
Impossible to live with you, but I know, I could never live without you
For whatever you do ~
I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but you

You never treat me like you should, so what's the good of loving as I do?
Although you always laugh at love, nothing else would be good enough for you
Impossible to live with you, but I know, I could never live without you
For whatever you do ~
I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but you

You make me laugh, you make me cry,

You make me live, you make me die, for you
You make me sing, you make me sad,

You make me glad, you make me mad, for you
I love you, hate you, love you, hate you
But I'll want you till the world stops turning
For whatever you do~
I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but you

I release my hold...

A fistful of sand in my hand ~
I had held on to it like it was gold,
A handful of dreams in my eyes,
Now sleep with their stories untold.....

I close my eyes to hide the pain,
Of numbed senses
And battered soul
The realization hurting bad,
The sand does and will eventually roll.....

The world spins and I stand,
Looking at the sand and my hand,
Desparate gripping, reluctant releasing,
Strain in my vien,
My loss and my gain.....

With a heavy heart I now let go ~
Let the sand flow,
Let my gold go...
Let the dreams sleep,
Let the stories remain untold...
Let me forget the summer,
Let me feel the cold
Let it be..let it be....
Sadly, I now release my hold......

The loss...

She (angrily): "I am going back to my own world."
He (teasingly): "Do you think you can leave me...? I'll not let you.......!"
She (with fading anger): "Why do you tease me so much...??"
He (laughing, with mischief in his eyes): "Because you so look beautiful when angry...!"
.
.
She smiles at him lovingly...... her face basking in the sunshine of his laughter...................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She ~ Walking alone, occasionally looking back...
He ~ Oblivious to her, scattering the sunshine of his laughter on people around him.....
She ~ Blurry eyed, look fervently for something she had before she had found him, and then lost him ~ ~
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.
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But for her life she could find her world ~ where she wanted to go back to...................

Letting go...

At times in life it is ncessary to 'let go' ~

-of circumstances that we do not like but cannot change

-of people that we cannot hold back in our lives
-of relationships that are no longer working for us

Letting go does not mean we are giving up or accepting defeat. It simply means that we are not clinging on to the things which are changing with time and accepting with grace the way our destiny is unfolding. It means that we are letting go of the compulsion to make everything "perfect" as per our understanding.

Letting go is akin to "flowing with the flow". Its like flowing in the river of life like a leaf flows in a stream ~ Taking in everything that comes in the way, seeing everything that this life has to show us, learning everything that this life has to teach us.

By not resisting the things that we cannot change, we can bring an end to the frustrations born out of the helplessness, and a lot of peace can be attained by simply dissolving our individual will in the cosmic will....

But how do we let go...? What is the change that we should bring about in our thinking process....? What are the things that we should be avoiding..?

Here are some practical pointers ~

-Accepting- the things as they are, accepting the limitations of yourself and the people involved.

-Admitting the obvious truth - that you are not responsible to affect a change or correct a problem which is beyond your competency, power, authority or responsibility.

-No perfectionism - Allowing yourself to rid yourself of the perfectionistic need to control every aspect of your life so that nothing goes "wrong" in it.

-Realistic acceptance of loss - after fully grieving a loss admitting that there is nothing left to be done but to accept the loss.

-Confessing faith in God- Openly declare and believe that God, your "Higher Power" is stronger and a great source of power to whom you can hand over these things out of your control. This also involves declaring that God is in charge and admitting that you can only do so much and after that it is up to your Higher Power to take over.

Like all things, it is easier said than done.....but then life teaches.....eventually.........and we are here to learn........

Kabhi-kabhi zindaji mein...

A few lyrics of the "Aditi" song from the latest movie "Jaane tu yaa jane na" ~
The beauty of this song lies in its lovely music...underlying innocence...evident simplicity and the meaningful lyrics...

"Kabhi kabhi Aditi zindagi mein yuhi koi apna lagta hai.
Kabhi kabhi Aditi wo bichhar jaaye to ek sapna lagta hai.
Aise mei koi kaise apne aansu o ko behne se roke?
Aur kaise koi sochle everything’s gonna be ok?

Soch jara jaaneja tujhko hum kitna chahte hai.
Rotein hai hum bhi aggar teri ankhon mein aansu aate hai.
Gaane to aata nahi hai magar phir bhi hum gaate hai.
Ke Aditi maan kabhi, kabhi saare jahan mein andhera hota hai;
Lekin raat ke baad hi to sawera hota hai."

Lekin raat ke baad hi to sawera hota hai...
Lekin raat ke baad hi to sawera hota hai...
Lekin raat ke baad hi to sawera hota hai...
(I'm telling this to myself....... :))

"Tu khush hai to lage ke jahan mein chhaayi hai khushi.
Suraj nikle baadlon se aur baatein zindagi.
Suun to jara madhosh hawa tujhse kehne lagi.
Ke Aditi wo jo bichhad-te hai ek na ek din phir mil jaate hai;

Aditi jaane tu ya jaane na phool phir khil jaate hai."

Ke Aditi wo jo bichhad-te hai ek na ek din phir mil jaate hai;Aditi jaane tu ya jaane na phool phir khil jaate hai.
I want to believe it soooooo badly.........!!! :) :)

I also liked the universal appeal of the song....the fact that most of the people would be able to relate with some or the other part of the song....

For the whole day today it was on my lips and i was humming it consciously or unconsciously throughout the day...So definitely this warrents the song a place on my blog ! :)

The fadings...

A little girl looks at the sky
And cries ~
"The red rose you had planted for me
Does not smile these days,
It does not dance
When the rain sprinkles on it,
It does not laugh
When the wind tickles it,
It does not blush
When I say "You the most beautiful rose in the world.."
Does it not believe in me anymore...?
Its red is turning paler and paler
It days are not over yet,
Then why has its soft petals forgotten to quiver with joy?
What unkown season is it awaiting to rejoice...?"

Looking at the saddened girl
And her paling rose,
A drop of tear trickles down my cheek,
For them and for myself too, sadly,
For in both their fadings
I see a reflection of me...

The essential...

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur, l'essential est invisible pour les yeux"

- By Antoine de Saint -Exupery in "Le Petit Prince"

This meaningful phrase is spoken by the fox to the little prince in the above mentioned, very popular french book for children, which means ~

One can only see well with the heart. The essential is invisible to the eyes.........

How beautiful and how true....! the air we breath, the fragrance of a flower, feelings of the heart, relations, passions, emotions, warmth of a touch.....are'nt these all invisible? Can we imagine living without these.....?

A matter of trust...

At times we find ourselves asking "Why" to something bad that happens to us. In a situation like this we tend to curse the person who's done us wrong or we curse ourselves or our destiny or God. But if we analyse such a situation objectively, most of the times there's a hidden learning there ~ a lesson that life wants to teach us through this experience.

I am thinking about this specially because of something bad that happened to me a few days back. It got me thinking into the reasons of why this happened and I needed to understand what was the lesson here. What happened was a situation where I behaved in a particular way trusting someone I didnt know much and on his part he misbehaved with me and broke my trust. I felt humiliated and was angry on him. How could he have behaved with me so loosely? How did I allow myself to get into this mess? And then I started analysing the situation. It was completely wrong on his part to have misbehaved with me, but at the same time wasnt I also at fault in trusting him without knowing him well? Trust requires time to be developed. So on what basis had I assumed that I could trust him?

So while this situation brings out the negativity of his character, it also makes me realize my mistake of being somewhat gullible and naive. It made me realize the true meaning of the word "trust" and its significance and also made me value the people in my life whom I can trust....
I dont know when that person will learn his lesson, but I did learn mine. Its a hard way of learning, but life never was a soft teacher....

Earth's dance

The rains are here to meet the earth again.... ! Here's an ode to their eternal romance...

What is the monsoon doing to this earth?

In what way is he touching her ?

That from her heart and her soul

Emerald passion is taking birth...

Oh ! hear his roaring and his rumbling,

The passion of his love and his calling,

See her swaying and her swooning,

Careless walk, with graceful stumbling...

Waiting for his love's pouring ~

Of joyous droplets on the misty green,

With hope and joy and affection and sheen,

Dancing now is the rustic queen...

Reflections during the battle...

The battle is on. It has been going on since the time I took my first breath in this world. Only, that I realized it much, much later. I guess I was sleeping or dreaming all the time, and when I woke up I saw myself surrounded by the enemy’s troops. But by then the enemy had already sabotaged my forces, had spies in my camp and I was left alone to fight this battle. I could have chosen to ignore it all, gone back to sleep and not given a damn about anything. But I chose to fight and here I am ~ finding myself struggling and falling and rising and then again falling…feeling depleted of energy and then recharging myself and coming back with new strategies to combat the enemy. There are times when this whole struggle seems worth and there are times when I feel exhausted and disappointed and gloomy and I feel like dropping my weapons and letting the enemy catch me, tie me up in chains and throw me in some dark cell. Where it would be so dark that nothing would be visible, not even any thoughts. And that would end it all.

But there is something living in me which is not letting me do that, which is pushing me to fight till the last breath. Something in me which says that this struggle will be over, the efforts will be worth and the enemy would be defeated. So I believe and hang on, but I only wish the enemy I am fighting wasn’t my own self.

The lukewarm

I'm ok with hot,

Burns the lips as it does,

But leaves the touch of a winter sun

I'm ok with cold

As it was meant to be such

Alive with the anticipation of the warmth...

I have a problem with the injury less fall

Neither hot, not cold ~

The lukewarm of it all.

Hold my hand...

Read this little story somewhere on the internet ~

A Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge.The father was concerned for his little girl so he asked his daughter,"Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river."The little girl said, "No, Dad. You hold my hand.""What's the difference?" Asked the puzzled father."There's a big difference," replied the little girl."If I hold your hand and something happens to me,chances are that I may let your hand go.But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens,you will never let my hand go."

This small story immediately struck a chord with me.

The moment I read it, I felt that this is what I want to pray to God, Ishwar, Allah or whatever you name that superpower; who looks over us and loves us and cares for us, that ~

"Oh lord, please you hold my hand. I have more trust in your love for me than I have in my love for you.

In this journey of life today I might be holding on your your hand, but there might be times when my eyes would be dazed by the brightness of the petty things around me and I might feel like leaving your hand and touching them.

There might be times when I would be would be attracted towards the hollow fanfare of this world and feel tempted to leave your hand and run after them.

There might be times when I would see victory, success, fame, love, friends, luxury and feel that I dont need to hold on to your hand.

There might be times when I would face failure, dejection, depression and my mind would be clogged with doubts about you and your ways and I would start questioning your whole existence.

In all these times, if I am holding your hand, I might leave it anytime. But if you are holding my hand, I know that whatever happens, you will not let go of my hand, ever...."

My rose...

Scratched by the thorns,
I come upon a rose ~
Red and warm
With stories untold...
One by one as it's petals I unfold,
I'm touching upon it's heart of gold.....

Can you be in love with two people at the same time?

Was talking to a friend recently. We started talking about relationships and he popped a question in front of me ~ "Can a person love two people at the same time?" My first and natural response was "Yes, there can be certain situations in which a person can love two people at the same time." He was a little speculative for a moment and then we started talking about other things.

But after that, my mind started working on this thought. I did answer in the affirmative to my friend, but then when I started thinking about it deeply, I started seeing some issues to be explored in this thought. If you love two people at the same time, where would your loyalties lie? what would become of your mental and emotional faithfullness? Which person's expectations would you fulfill ?

At the same time, I was also thinking that if you have had feelings of love for someone at one point of time, does it mean that you have to make a wall around you and not let anyone else's love touch you ? Love has never been not about possessing. It is a spontaneous feeling which takes birth in your heart for someone by itself. It defies all control, rules, logic and any benefit/loss equations.

So then, what is the right perspective? I was thinking over it and suddenly found the key thing ~
A person maybe/can be in love with two people at a time. Time, situation, events can lead to a
situation where he feels the same emotions for two people at the same time, the intensities though may vary. But the important thing here is, that even though the person is having feelings of love for both the people, he cannot be behaving in the same way to both the people. He cannot be expecting the same things from both the people. He cannot be doing the same things for both the people. He can have love for both the people, but he cannot have the same relationship with two people. So essentially, the basic love can be same, but the extension of that love to the two people should be different. One relationship has to take precedent over the other. Difficult though, but he has to make this choice of expression ~ if not for anybody, then for his own peace, truth and the purity of love that he has inside him.

Another chance to get it right...

New year is here again...time to make new resolutions ~ another chance for us to get it right......

Though it is few days past the new year...but guess not too late for penning down the new year resolutions. Had made a compilation of these mentally on the onset of the year, so here I go announcing these to the world (if anybody does care to listen..!) and even to myself ~

1.Nourish the body ~ exercise regulary, eat right, drink at least 2 litres of water daily

2.Nourish the mind ~ Go back to my old habit of reading...and read quality stuff...read at least 10 good books in the year...

3.Nourish the soul ~ Do more photography with my heart and soul in it...listen to more music....connect more with nature...daily spend some quality time with myself.

4.The last year was a year in which 'He' took steps towards me, made me feel 'His' presence in my life. This year its my turn. By the end of this year I will have formed a connection with 'Him'...

5.Take better care of my parents.

6.Learn to play at least 10 songs on guitar.

7.Travel more ~ see more places...Places on top of my list are:
Places in Gujarat: Patan, Kutch, Somnath, Saputara, Palitana
Places outside Gujarat: Ladakh, Kashmir, Himachal, Gadhwal

8. Create a collection of at least 20 good photpgraphs on at least 5 different themes...

9.hmmmm...would like to keep this one secret..... :)

10.Write more regularly in this blog......this one was surely called for !

One main reason to put these on the blog is that if i do slip on any of these, someone might put me back on track.. :)