Killing myself, I now turn the page...

In this book of life,
I've laughed and cried,
When every cherished dream
Has broken and died,

Now teary eyes have turned sore to dry,
The desert of my heart
Will no more cry...
The rose you planted will be thirsty no more,
It will learn how to live,
Without the waters of your shore...

Disillusionment is pain and agony,
Let it be,
And if what is there, is what I see,
So it be...

I now open my plam, and close my eyes,
And feel the slipping away of my dearest ties
A pain in the heart rises and cries ~
"Nothing now, nothing no more
I am now closing my door...
Let everything go and nothing remain,
Of my warm sunshine, my monsoon rain,
No more dreams to see, no cherishing of any memory,
Nothing to feel, nothing to gain
Attachment is the mother of pain...
Let the cold winds engulf my soul,
Let there be another brick in the wall...."

I have lived and can live alone,
The chapter has ended, but the book will go on...
We all live to die on this world's stage,
So killing myself, I now turn the page......

Towards me, or away from me...?

Is this train coming towards me or going away from me....??? Standing on a bridge, I had taken this picture, sometime in the past. I was so much absorbed in it then...There was so much mystery and magic in that moment of the early morning. I was standing on that bridge and looking at the moving train with sun rising from behind it. I was still and the train was moving...There was such warmth in that morning sun...such beauty in the morning sky ~ painted with the purity and freshness of blue and pink... there was this humming sound of the train in the air...rhythmic and hypnotic......Today~ the sun has set, the bridge is lost and the train has gone...but that rhythm is still echoing in my head....That warmth of the sun still pours starlight into my eyes...why can i not shut my ears to that rhythm...why cant I not remove that light from my eyes.....???

That bridge ~that missing link between my past and my now... The point in space where I had forgotten which side I was coming from and didnt care about which side where I was going...I was just standing on that bridge, without a care in the world. That bridge where I had stood is witness to all those moments in which I lived a hundred lives...of my "then" which my "now" can never have...

Looking at that picture now , I cant remember what was happening then....Was the train coming towards me or going away from me...? But why am I so bothered about it..? Why cant I just let it be...? Why is it so important to me....?

Whatever was happening then ~ right now all I have this picture, where the train is standing still....The time that was, has frozen...become cold....The moment is captured and dead... but yes, its ghost remains ~ To haunt me forever ~ If only I can know for sure ~ Was the train coming towards me or going away from me..???

I need a breath...

Darkness all around...
My hands groping in vain,
To find something which I knew before
To give some air to my dying soul...

Feeling suffocated, I struggle with myself,
Not to reach for the ventilator by my side

Oh my ventilator, I love it so much
For it gives me my air to live…
But I cant touch it ~ Its not mine…

A desperate cry screams in my inside ~
"I want to breath before I die…"
But my ventilator's not mine...
And oh..I need a breath…

Nothing is lost...

Was'nt this the same time some year in the past when all I was longing for, was the basic things in life which I had always taken for granted and were no longer with me then ? ~ mom's voice waking me up in the morning while I drag the bedsheet above my head to sleep a little more, my dad's warmth making this world a better place to live in, my sister faking anger at my teasing her, my close friends with whom I had shared my best and the worst moments...

I had left behind everything I had and everyone I knew, to the winds of destiny ~ which had taken me to a place from where I could neither see nor touch the place which defined the beat of my life, the people who defined who I was.

Leaving behind everyone I didnt know how my freedom also got left behind somewhere ~ freedom of expression, freedom of discretion, freedom of movement, freedom of thinking, freedom to be as I am, to be as I was... "The best thing in the world is freedom ~ freedom to say 'no' " I had read somewhere. I couldnt have agreed on this more. But in those days I discovered a couple of other best things of the world too. Things ~ which none can do without....things ~ which if gone from the life, would make life lifeless. Through self experience I discovered the best things in the world are freedom, love and hope. The freedom to be as you are, the freedom to become what you want to be. Love to give selflessly and receive unconditionally. And hope to keep you dreaming and moving on, and working for a better tomorrow. Without freedom, love and hope you cant go too far...

My loss in those days was complete and had covered all of these three things. Its been a couple of years since then, and going through the peaks and valleys of life I have lived many moments and died many too...But none of the lowest moments of these years have pulled me down to the pits of hoplessness and the feeling of 'having lost all' which I had reached in those days.

I'm thankful to the almighty who took care of me then, to the large oak tree in the garden who listened to my woes then, to the stars of that who gave me company and solace to my forlorn soul then. And to this life who gave me a chance to spring back again. Wherever I am feeling low and lonely and dejected, I remind myself of those days, and the state I was in then, the things and the people I had lost, which by a benevolant twist of destiny I have regained today. And no matter how much low I am feeling, my spirits are lifted. Its like, I had died and was then reborn, and nothing else that happens to me now can be as bad as that death.

Looking at the beauty of the September sky today ~ the coloured clouds and the mellowing foliage, I deeply inhale the light cool breeze, and say to myself ~ "Nothing is lost, I am free, to love, to hope, to dream and to be..."

An excerpt from "Shataram" by Gregory David Roberts:

"Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope.

Sometimes we cry with everything but tears.

In the end that's all there is : love and its duty, sorrow and its truth.

In the end thats all we have ~ to hold on tight until the dawn..."

To hold on tight ~ in all those moments of disillusionments, disappointments and weakness of the soul...to hold on tight until the first rays of sun come flying on the wings of the morning breeze and wash away all the hurt and pain........

~A Prayer On Samvatsari ~

Today is Samvatsari ~ actually a Jain festival, but I feel it can be considered a festival of the whole humanity. What else can you call a festival the essence of which is asking for forgiveness from everyone to whom you have done any wrong knowingly or unknowingly, and in turn forgiving everyone who has done any wrong to you?

How cleased a person's soul would feel when all the negativities harbored in it is washed away by a stream of free flowing forgiveness!

How free the soul would feel after breaking free from the grudges that it has been carrying since long !

How pious a person can become and feel after genuinely and humbly asking for forgiveness for what ever hurt or pain one has caused to anyone!

But again, like all good things ~ to forgive and to ask for forgiveness are tasks easier said than done. Too much pride and ego inherent in all human beings would make both the tasks difficult.
But what is more difficult ~ To humbly ask for forgiveness or to forgive genuinly? I was analysing myself and I found that, for me it is more difficult to forgive someone truly than to ask for forgiveness. If I've have hurt someone, if I've done some wrong to someone, I can curb my ego, repent for the wrong I've done and ask for forgiveness from the person. But if I've been wronged, betrayed, insulted, hurt or pained by someone, it is very difficult for me to forgive the person effortlessly.

But if I am able to forgive someone had hurt me, how can expect that I would be forgiven for the hurts that I have knowingly or unknowingly inflicted upon someone?

If I am not able to forgive anyone who has done something wrong, why should I expect that God is going to forgive me for the wrongs that I have done in this life and in the past lives?

Today, on this pious day of Samvatsari, I pray to lord to forgive me for all the wrongs that I have done to any living being in my this life and the past lives. I pray to God to give me the strength and the wisdom to humbly ask for forgiveness for any wrong that I might have done to any living being ~ intentionally or unintentionally, and to forgive from the bottom of my heart everyone who has hurt me and caused me pain in any way.

I pray to lord that my heart and soul is rid of all the bitterness and grugdes against anyone and everyone and I'm engulfed by His everlasting peace and joy.

Amen.

Tell me your dreams...

I was just thinking ~ What can be considered as the most personal thing to ask to someone?? Is it something of their past like the times they have fallen in love, the affairs they've had, the people they've cheated on, the number of people they've had sex with, the number of times they've flunked in school or college, their most embarrasing moments, their most happiest moments, the times they have lied or had been dishonest, etc.etc..or, something of their present ~ like the relationship that they share with their partners, how are they planning their career or investments etc, etc?

According to me, none of the above. I would say that the most personal thing that can be asked to someone is about their dreams, their deepest desires, their most true wishes for themselves. If you tell someone your deepest desire, your dreams, you become vulnerable, sans gaurd, open to hurt and manipulation. This is not the danger when you tell the guarded things of your past or present to someone.

If you have seen "Bachna ae hasinon" you would know what I mean. Mahi (Minisha Lamba), a dreamy eyed romantic girl is in love with the character of "Raj" in "DDLJ". A flirt, opportunist guy (Ranvir Kapoor) comes to know about this. To fulfil his desire of flirting with Mahi he creates made-up situations like DDLJ and pretends to be the real life avtar of the reel life " Raj". And ~ succeds in taking advantage of the unsuspecting girl, who keeps brimming with joy with the thought that her dream has come true, and she has finally found her "Raj" ! As the movie unfolds, Mahi comes to know what was done to her and ends up getting bitterly hurt.

If this guy did not know about Mahi's deepest desire, he could never have had a chance with her and Mahi would have been saved from the hurt that followed.

Your desire is not only your strength, your reason to move on and fight, but is also in some ways your weakness as it can be used as a bait to trap you. And the fuanny thing is that you would be going in the trap willingly !

What happens in a casting couch is something similar. You are manipulated because your dreams are known and so is your desire to fulfill . But the casting couch is still comparatively better . At least both the parties involved know without any pretense that they are giving something to get something. At least you are not robbed without your knowledge .

But when you talk about your desires and your dreams to someone who you think as a friend or an acquaintance, you would not even realize when he or she will start manipulating the situation and you with the knowledge about your desires.

More than what we were or are, we are ~ what we want to be...

Give it a thought....